March 6, 2011

Top Ten Funniest Quotes of Demetri Martin

I have been wanting to make some posts with just some quotes because it is a pretty easy thing to do and it gets traffic.  The only thing that has been stopping my is that a hubber, ryankett, often does the same thing and that is where I got the idea to do that.  I don't want to look like a copycat of someone else at all every, but I recently just read a bunch of quotes by Demetri Martin and I thought that some of them were too funny not to share.  I had to replace some of them with still-really-funny, but not-as-funny quotes because in some of them were curse words and I just simply don't like those words.  So here is my top ten funniest quotes of Demetri Martin in no particular order:
  1. “A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. ‘Dude make a left.’ ‘Those are trees…’ ‘Trust me.’”
  2. “I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there’s a note saying ‘I’m standing right behind you.’”
  3. I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.” And I said, “I am.”
  4. “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”
  5. “I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’”
  6. “The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
  7. “I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’”
  8. “I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.”
  9. A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like “What’s your favorite color?” A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like “What’s your favorite color…person?”
  10. “An easy way to sound like a creep is to add the word ‘ladies’ to the end of things you say. It can be harmless too, but it just makes you a creep. ‘Yeah after college I spent two years in the peace corps, ladies?’ The more harmless it is, the more of a creep you become. ‘I broke my arm. I need help, ladies?’”
The last one was mostly funny to me just because a year or two ago, some of my friends would say ladies kind of like that, but they would use it in the same way Michael Scott uses "that's what she said" on The Office.  The best part is, I don't think they have ever heard this quote, so I am going to show it to them next time I see them.